jargon-buster

“Good evening, sir. Welcome to CCC – Cellulite Celluloid Cellular – the place where you come, you see and make calls. Can I help you?”

“Well, yes, actually, I was looking for a smartphone…”

“I thought so the moment I saw you, sir. Absolutely. This is a man, I said, who wants a smartphone. And knows what he wants. Which is what we have in common.”

“Er…what?”

“We both know what you want, sir. Now, tell me your budget.”

“Well, I don’t want to spend too much.”

“Wise, sir. For about 450 dollars…”

“Er…could we halve that?”

“Indeed we could, sir. The economy tailspin, after all. Just give me a second. Here you go.”

“What’s that?”

“That’s your smartphone, sir. 3G, 4G and a guarantee to upgrade to 5G by 2020 if it is still working. 2 TB storage, decent camera, 10 GHz Squad Core processor…”

“Wait a minute!”

“…and Android 7.5 (Billy Jean), with a steel stylus optional, plastic stylus compulsory, and a glass stylus if you really want to show off. You were saying, sir?”

“I mean this is big…”

“Of course it is, sir. 7.8 inch full HD display. To see the big picture.”

“But this is a phone…”

“Yes, it is. See those holes at the bottom? Microphones. One noise canceling. One noise dismembering. One noise destroying – it actually shuts the phone down, between the two of us, but…”

“Look, it’s too big! Why can’t I just have a 6-inch display device?”

“Of course it is not big, sir. Here…see it fits right against your cheek. Snug.”

“You mean to say it is occupying half my face…”

“Absolutely, with Blows seven way speakers, imagine the sound you would get.”

“No,but it barely fits my hand…”

“Give it time, sir. Your hand will grow into it. The fingers are pliable, they will stretch and…”

“I do NOT want them to grow into it, dammit!”

“Please be calm, sir. I can understand your fearing the wear and tear on your hands. Some people do not like their fingers stretched…”

“I certainly do not!”

“Which is why we have this handy King Kong cell holder glove. Wear it and use your phone without harming your fingers. Tell you what, I will get you a sweet deal on them if you buy the phone…”

buying-smartphones

“Hang on, this is not a phone. This is a tablet!”

“Oh, that is so clever, sir. And then you keep saying we salespersons use jargon. Of course, it is not a tablet, sir. It makes calls. Sends messages. Does messaging….”

“Forget that. Look at its size!”

“Sir, can you ever see the big picture on a small screen?”

“Wha…”

“Sir, this is your third screen. You need to be able to get a good viewing experience…”

“I already HAVE a tablet, a Tipple ByePad…”

“Excellent. Give it to use and we swing you an OMG EMI swap scheme!”

“No, but I like it!”

“Oh come, sir. Don’t you believe in convergence?”

“Wait…”

“This phone can act as as your tablet, your TV, your computer, your pillow, your plate…and of course, it is a phone too!”

“But…”

“Just one SIM card inside it is all it takes, my friend. Apps, taps, slaps, swipes, wipes, everything is in your trouser pocket!”

“That thing won’t fit in my trouser pocket!”

“Which is why we are selling it with our range of CellularCellulite Cargos With Embargos. With special pockets for special phones. We like to say it can store the Titanic!”

“Isn’t there something smaller? It would look silly against my face…”

“Nonsense, sir. Just add this SliceDice trimmer accessory and the phone will shave you as you take a call…”

“Hang on…”

“Indeed it will, sir. Just remember to hold it against alternate ears. Your face will be like a baby’s…”

“I do not want to hold it to my face!”

“Well, in that case why don’t you try our headsets with BigBlackTeeth technology wireless connectivity. For really big sound.”

“All right, that seems better…”

“Here you go, sir. Perfect fit for heads large and small…”

“That is a ghetto blaster!”

“Big speakers for big sound, sir. There’s a special slot in the back of the CellularCellulite Cargos With Embargos in which to place them. They allow you to sit on them, and even vibrate pleasantly. Sir? Sir? Anyone seen where he went?”


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Editorial Mentor

Nimish Dubey has been writing for more than a decade now (well, Windows 3.1 was around and Apple was on the verge of being finished when he started). He has been published in a number of publications including The Times of India, Mint, The Economic Times, Mid-Day and Femina on subjects that vary from tech write -ups to book reviews to music album round ups. He managed to interview Michael Schumacher once and write two books for young adults along the way.