rubber-brand

“Good evening, welcome to NeverEverCleverLand, the store that is designed to meet all your digital needs. How can I help you?”

“Well, I was looking for the Constellation…”

“Ah, the Constellation, sir. Excellent device, selling like hot cakes.”

“Yes, getting good reviews too.”

“Absolutely, sir. The editor of EyeTechNutMeg said it made made him see stars. But, sir, which model would you be wanting?”

“Well, which would you recommend?”

“Depends on the number of clothes you want to put in it, really, sir…”

“Clothes? What on earth are you talking about?”

“Well, sir, the Constellation washing machine, with a seven away vibrating axle, thirteen temperature monitors, an accelerometer, a gyroscope, and a 4.0-inch STRANGOLED display, which lets you play Angry Birds even while your clothes spin!”

“No, I was not talking about a washing machine at all.”

“Oh indeed, sir. Pardon, I got a bit carried away, as we just launched the Constellation range of washing machines. So what’s the size of the room in which you want the device?”

“Is that important? I mean I intend to carry it everywhere.”

“Ah, you are part of the mobile workforce – excellent. I will put down the eight inch display one with 376 channels in it.”

“Whoa! Channels?”

“Yes, channels. As in TV. You want the Constellation TV, I am assuming. In sizes from eight inches- super portable – to seventeen inches – on the table – to thirty two inches – on the wall – to 450 inches – what King Kong and the babe watched while on the Empire State Building!”

“Wait a minute, I thought that the Constellation was a phone!”

“Of course,it is a phone, sir. But times change. A few years ago, Orange was a computer. Today, it is a phone, a motor car, a music player and even a do-it-yourself toilet seat!”

“Oh…”

“Similarly, the Constellation started out as a phone, but thanks to its success, it is a brand whose name encompasses phones, tablets, pills, a ginger beer drink, a refrigerator, a mini microwave, a micro miniwave, a deodorant, an e-book reader, a paper and body shredding device, and as you just saw, a television, and a washing machine.”

“Isn’t that a bit confusing?”

“No, sir. It just reflects the trust people have reposed in the brand. All the devices with the Constellation brand name stand for excellence and are also supremely well networked and come with RSKick interface that is the Constellation trademark!”

“Even the deodorant!”

“Especially the deodorant, sir. You can pinch to scream, spray to vanish, and every time you spray it, your friends will be able to inhale what it smells like on their RaceBook and Jitter accounts…provided they are using a Constellation device, of course.”

“Uh…that’s all right, but what I want is the phone, really.”

“That’s perfectly all right, sir. A great device indeed. Which model would you want?”

“Ah you mean storage capacity and color?”

“No, sir, I meant which particular model of the Constellation phone range would you want?”

“I thought there was one…”

“Oh no, sir. The Constellation is not a phone, but a phone range. It has the Constellation Original, the Constellation Mini, the Constellation Micro, the Contellation Micro Mini, the Constellation Large, the Constellation Extra Large, and the Constellation Large Economy Size. Which one would you be wanting?”

“The Constellation Original, I think.”

“The old reliable, sir? A decent choice. And value for money. You want the Original 6.4545457, the Original 5.47927 or the Original 5.34278?”

“What are those?”

“Different screen sizes. The brand encompasses a lot.”

“It certainly does. Make it the smaller one please.”

“Right you are, sir. With the STRANGOLED or the BENJOLED screen?”

“Eh? What’s the difference?”

“Well, sir, each is a different display technology. One handles Violent, Indigo and Blue well, while the other is super at Yellow, Orange and Red. Put them next to each other and switch off the displays and they will project a rainbow onto the screen, to which you can add a picture of yourself with a pot of gold – at the end you prefer- and share with your friends on RaceBook and Jitter.”

“Oh all right, give me the BANJOLED one then!”

“Good choice, sir. Waterpoof, dustproof edition or the normal one?”

“Oh, the normal one, for God’s sake!”

“Do be patient, sir. There we are – normal. It only comes in black right now!”

“Good, now can I see the phone?”

“In a minute, sir. You just need to tell me the version of OS you would prefer, whether you want the metal, plastic or carbonated carbohydrate body version, whether you want one which comes with wireless or off the wall charging, whether you want dual or quad speakers, the type of chip you want (dual, quad or eight core and whether from PomPom or Quintal), the networks you want supported, and of course, the color (we only have pink in some models and bluish purple in others), and I will show you the device…Sir? Sir? Now, where did he go?”


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Associate Editor

Nimish Dubey has been writing for more than a decade now (well, Windows 3.1 was around and Apple was on the verge of being finished when he started). He has been published in a number of publications including The Times of India, Mint, The Economic Times, Mid-Day and Femina on subjects that vary from tech write -ups to book reviews to music album round ups. He managed to interview Michael Schumacher once and write two books for young adults along the way.