“Good evening, sir. Can I help you?’

Yes I am looking for a Lay Lee Z 2 phone

“Ah yes, the Lay Lee Z2. Very popular. Just step this way, sir. But tell me do you want the standard model, the game model, the shoot model, the selfie model, the pro model, or the amateur model?”

Er…what is the difference between them?

“Oh simple enough, sir. The standard model has the base specifications – you know, a 5.0-inch HBLED display, 1 GB CRAM, 8 GB SoftAndHardDisk storage 8.0-Mahapixel processor, and the 6996 ClickJargon processor. The game model has 2 GB CRAM and a slightly faster version of the same processor as well as a larger display, with the same resolution…”

phone-version

The Shoot model?

“Ah yes, sir, I was coming to that. Please do not touch that droid, sir, it is the BreakWinder from the Five Arena Rangers Transcorp. The Shoot edition has more mahapixels in the rear camera but fewer in the front camera…”

Oh wait and the Selfie model has it the other way around?

“Oh absolutely, sir. More Mahapixels in the front one for that one. The Pro model has a hair and fingernail scanner, and also allows you to lock the phone using a urine sample – we call it “P for Protection!”

And there was one more…

“Oh yes, the amateur version. That is basically for geeks. We give them all the parts and ask them to put the phone together themselves. If they shoot a selfie of themselves with the phone., we give them free clout storage – they can keep whoever they want to clout with us for a week. No questions asked!”

Ah, I see. Um, can I get the regular edition?

“Of course, you can, sir. Which one do you want?”

I just told you – the regular edition…

“Yes, sir, but there are variants of that too. Do you want the standard one, water resistant one, the rugged one, or the one whose SIM card floats around on its own dedicated droid?”

Oh all right, the standard one. Now can I…

“Do wait, sir. You want the one that takes a Flush Card or has no expandable memory?”

Make it expandable. I am in a hurry…

“All for your own convenience, sir. At Lay Lee, we ensure that our customers have enough to choose from..”

I will say you do. Can I get my phone now?

“Just tell me, sir, if you want it with the KingKong Glass protection or the Chimpanzee Coating?”

Whichever you recommend. Quick!

“Patience, sir. This is all for your convenience…”

Yes, but I am in a hurry!!

“Just a few seconds more, sir…”

Well, what now? Are you going to ask what sort of box you want it in?

“No, sir. Though, come to think of it, that is a good suggestion. We could give it to you in a simple ZipIt sachet, in a cardboard box, in a steel box, in a safe with or without a combination, or just give you the charger and the phone in a “bare handed naked” delivery. We could also…”

STOP! Look just hand me my phone please!

“Ah yes, sir, indeed. Your idea did take me off track. Rest assured, we will incorporate it on our website and give you credit and also send 175 Bonkers points for driving yourself cra…”

MY PHONE!

“Indeed, sir. Indeed. I assume you will be paying by card?”

No, I am going to stick you up with a gun!!

“That option is for counter number 3, sir…”

Oh for God’s sake. Of course I will pay by card!

“Right, sir. Then I will process your payment. What colour do you want your device in? We have Racist White, Dark Side Black, Communist Red, Posy Pink. Ghastly Gold, Slimy Silver, Ghatiya Green, and Owl Orange!”

Owl orange?

“The designer came up with it. It looks a bit like an inflamed pestrangel…”

What is a pestra…Oh look, all right make it white!

“Right you are, sir. Oh!”

What happened now?

“White is available only for the pro edition if you opt for the waterproof version with a retractable camera and a…you really should not take off your belt here, sir. There is an unbelting zone on the left, next to the untrousering and reshirting zone and….HELP, SECURITY!”

Also Read: Buying Phones in the Future

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Editorial Mentor

Nimish Dubey has been writing for more than a decade now (well, Windows 3.1 was around and Apple was on the verge of being finished when he started). He has been published in a number of publications including The Times of India, Mint, The Economic Times, Mid-Day and Femina on subjects that vary from tech write -ups to book reviews to music album round ups. He managed to interview Michael Schumacher once and write two books for young adults along the way.