low-battery

“Good morning, sir. Welcome to the A-Ha EyeTab service center.”

“Good morning, well, I just wanted some help with this…”

“Really, sir? A wonderful device, that is – the EyeTab GloomiaTote – with a large 6.0-inch Hyper LCD dispay, deca-core processor, 4GB DDR RAM (Laxman II), the deck graphic card array, powered by the most powerful OS in town, EyeDroid 6.7895432, codenamed Baked Beans…”

“Yes,yes, but I am having some problems with it..”

“Really, sir? That is surprising. No hardware or software issues have been reported. Is your device functioning properly?”

“Well, yes, it is.”

“Well, then, sir, what brings you here? Mind you, we are always glad to see and hear from our valued customers.”

“I am just worried about the battery life!”

“Come, sir, this baby comes with a massive 7,894.26 mAh MCBC battery.”

“Yes, but it seems to drain very fast. I need to recharge my device every five or six hours or so…”

“Oh dear, sir. That is so not acceptable. Let me see the device, please. I assure you if there’s something wrong, we will replace it for you within the year…Good lord!”

“What happened?”

“You have the magnificent Super IAmLED Garden Path display on maximum brightness, sir.”

“Well, it is such a good display…”

“Indeed, sir, but surely we must learn to ration such goodness. Let me turn it down to half…”

“Half! But I LIKE it to be nice and bright…”

“We all have to make sacrifices on the altar of battery life, sir. That bright screen sucks battery life. It will be much better now. Let me just look around a bit more. Why, sir, you have location services running!”

“Well, why shouldn’t I? I like to use GPS and also my pedometer app. And it is so cool to be able to geotag images…”

“Yes, sir, but if you do all that, you will also be draining battery. There, I will just turn it off.”

“Hey, wait! I use that for my fitness apps.”

“Turn it on when you are jogging then, sir. Or when you want to take a snap. Here let me install this application manager…”

“I do not want one!”

“No, sir, it is more a question of need. Just look at all the apps you have running here…”

“But I was told this device was a multitasking monster!”

“It is, sir, but monsters also need battery to survive. And running multiple apps also drains battery. I mean, how can you expect the battery to last when there are half a dozen apps draining battery in the background. There, App Butcher – The App To Kill All Running Apps, will ensure that no apps run in the background…”

“But what if I WANT to have apps running in the background…”

“Well, you can have apps running, and can also keep running to charging points, sir. You cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs.”

“All right, all right, is that it?”

“Just a minute, sir. Patience. Let me also place this Gigahertz Gringo app, which will ensure that your device does not always use all its processing power…”

“WHAT! I bought this phone because I wanted a powerful processor!”

“And you have it, sir. But you do not need all that processing power all the time. Gringo will ensure that the processing power on your chip is well-used…”

“How will it do that?”

“It will study your usage patterns and accordingly change speeds depending on the number of apps running.”

“But you just put in an app that kills all running apps!”

“You can never be too careful, sir.”

“Well, what if I want to run multiple apps and need to edit video or do something that needs a lot of processing power…”

“Please do not get so agitated, sir. All you need to do is switch off these apps by going into the settings, selecting the apps, and opting for the switch off option.”

“I don’t want all that fuss. Why cannot I just use the phone normally?”

“Because that would result in greater battery consumption, sir. A bit of economy here and your battery will last for days…”

“All right, can I have my device back now?”

“As soon as I turn down the default image megapixel count from 86 to 3.2, sir?!”

“Wait a minute! This is getting insane, I bought the phone because of that camera!!!”

“I have not changed the camera, sir. Just reduced its megapixel count. The processor will not have to work as hard to process images if they are of a lower resolution. More battery life saved. Here you are, sir. Your device, optimized for super battery performance.”

“Wait, this looks different. The wallpaper is different and I cannot swipe between homescreens the way I used to…”

“Ah, I forgot to tell you, sir. I switched off the live wallpaper which delivered weather and news as well as FaceBook updates to your homescreen and replaced it instead with a blank, dark wallpaper as those drain lesser battery. I also turned off screen transitions and animations – they can tax the processor as well!”

“But, but…they made the phone work so brilliantly.”

“It will still work well, sir, and what’s more, it will now last at least 2-3 days on a single charge!”

“Wait, the 5G network’s gone missing! There’s something wrong with the signal reception.”

“I do wish you would stop panicking like that, sir. You have in your possession a cutting-edge product. I turned off 5G and put you back on a 2G connection, it saves battery.”

“But what if I want to stream super HD video?”

“You just go to the options, switch on 5G, give it permission to circumvent App Butcher, give Gigahertz Gringo permission to speed up the processor if needed, and you will be good to go…”

“But that is so much fuss!”

“Well, sir. Good things do need some effort. I am sure you will be satisfied with your device now!”

“Satisfied? You turned down the display brightness, turned down the megapixel count of the camera, turned off multi-tasking, reduced processing speed, put it on a low-speed network, turned off live wallpapers…this is nothing like the device I purchased!!”

“Au contraire, sir, it is the very device you purchased. But now with better battery life.”

“But I will not be able to do as much with it…”

“Which will only make the battery last longer.”

“What? This is ridiculous. What is the point of buying a powerful device if you have to turn off all its features?”

“Ah, sir, you have just stumbled across the great truth of our tech age!”

“Eh? What’s that?”

” ‘With great power, comes great responsibility…to manage battery.‘ Thank you, sir. Enjoy your device. And remember, if you need anything, we are always there.”


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Associate Editor

Nimish Dubey has been writing for more than a decade now (well, Windows 3.1 was around and Apple was on the verge of being finished when he started). He has been published in a number of publications including The Times of India, Mint, The Economic Times, Mid-Day and Femina on subjects that vary from tech write -ups to book reviews to music album round ups. He managed to interview Michael Schumacher once and write two books for young adults along the way.